I went Black Friday shopping this year. I haven’t been shopping the day after Thanksgiving since…well, since Black Friday actually started at 8:00 a.m. and not 8:00 p.m. the night before. God, I’m old. Anyway, after gorging myself on my mom’s amazing cooking, I took a short nap. But like most naps when I was a kid, I spent most of the time talking to my sister (via text) instead of sleeping. A sure fire way to make sure I went out grumpy despite the cookies and juice box I had when I got up. (By the way Juicy Juice, I’d appreciate a bigger hole in the box. I spilled vodka everywhere.) But since I love Christa-mas sooooo much, I figured I’d have great time. What could instill the holiday spirit more than buying 50% off items that will most likely be returned with 5,000 of my closest friends and neighbors at 2:00 a.m.? A sharp stick in the eye. That’s what!
(Yep. Still better than going to Best Buy any day of the week.)
So the mall stores opened at midnight. Melanie insisted we get there by 10. For someone who does numbers for her job, math really isn’t her strong suit. When we got there we parked our sweet asses in front of Hollister. Hollister is this trendy store with tiny little clothes that promotes itself as selling pure Southern California realness to kids not in L.A. Now, I lived in L.A. for almost 10 years and never saw anyone dress in clothes like they have in that store. But whatevs. It’s not up to me to judge the cool kids. I just want them to like me! Please! Come on, y’all. I can be cool! Anyways, in those 2 hours of waiting, I went to pee twice, moaned about how much longer 8 times and whined about being hungry 5 times. So far, so good. At 11, American Eagle opened, so Melanie ran over there to get some stuff while I held our place in the other line. Thankfully, she had more faith than I did about my ability to stay put and not wander off after something sparkly or trade our place for some magic beans.
(Shiny magic beans?! You had me at hello.)
While Melanie was in the other store, Ashton came over to say hi. Dammit! What the hell was she doing at the mall while we were shopping? She asked me where her mom was. I told her and she said, “But I was just about to go in there.” I told her don’t go in there. She said, “Why? I won’t look at what Mommy’s doing.” (pffttt. Really?) We went back and forth until I finally grabbed her sweet little face in my hands and said, “Ashton Faith, if you step one foot in American Eagle, I swear to God every single Christmas present I buy you will come from K-Mart!” Needless to say, she ran the other way. That’s parenting a teenager, right there folks. I’ll give you a moment to write it down.
And So It Begins…
Midnight arrives. The crowd is growing. Surging and pulsing like a single living organism. I had my orders from General Smelanie and knew exactly where I had to go in the store to get my assigned items. We were second in line. I got more hand action from strangers waiting that last 5 minutes for the store to open than I’ve gotten since last time I tried to convince guys at the bar to go ahead and prove I’m not a drag queen. Then, the doors opened and I did something unbelievable. Something crazy and insane and so remarkable, I can barely admit it. I ran. I hauled ass to the back of that store like a bat out of hell. And I got my shit. In case you don’t know me, let me inform you. I don’t run. I don’t see the point. I’m going to get where I’m going eventually so what’s the rush? Nothing really starts til I get there anyway. And there’s no point in me running from something because I’m not athletic but I am super clumsy and whatever it is that’s chasing me will eventually catch me. If a bad guy’s chasing me, there’s no point in spending my last few moments sweating, heaving and possibly tripping and scraping up my pretty face. Nonetheless, for my nieces to be able dress like they’re not related to me, I ran.
(Why did she run? It costs an extra $50 to nail the coffin closed.)
Are We Done Yet?
We shopped at the mall from 10pm to 4:30 am. I am not even kidding. That’s not even counting external stores and a couple of hours at Walmart later in the day. That was just the mall. And that place was packed! Not only were there people everywhere but there were kids everywhere. (And no, teenagers aren’t people. Ask anyone who owns one.) These idiots weren’t even shopping. They were just wandering around the mall like it was any Saturday afternoon. They were only there so they could be out late and be underfoot and in my damn way. Go home and go to bed, children! WTF? Despite the repeated drop offs at the car, I was always toting huge bags. And those bags were heavy! I don’t understand how stuff for two such very small individuals like my nieces can weigh so much. My feet were killing me and I was even wearing my Disneyland comfort shoes. My arms hurt from the bags and being repeatedly walked into. (Apparently, I forgot to leave my invisibility cloak in the car.) My head hurt from the noise. I was hungry. I was tired. I had to pee again. The buzz from my Juicy Vodka box had worn off. And then I realized, I was buying and hauling all this crap and none of it was even for me! Though I did make sure to torture Melanie quite thoroughly during the one full hour we spent in line at Victoria’s Secret by alternating between putting bras on my head, spraying the nearest Eau de Cat House scent all around us and asking her which teddy would look best on grandma. I got a really nice tote bag from Vicky’s though. So that made the wait a little more bearable.
(You can have this sparkly pink bag if you will just please get out of our sexy store.)
Anyway, by the time dawn was approaching, I was a tad…miffed. So Melanie promised to take me home. After we stopped at 3 other stores. I literally moaned in agony which the other, hateful shoppers found quite amusing. And I found it just as amusing to give a little flirt and grind on the shirtless male model outside Hollister.
Mall’s Well That Ends Well
So Melanie finally took me away from the mall. We stopped at 2 more exterior stores but she promised me if I was good, she would buy me some chicken nuggets. I was able to control my behavior just long enough to get through the drive-thru. After we got to her house, I could not believe the amount of crap we had. And then Melanie had the nerve to say, “This is a good start.” Start! Start? Ok, I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I went home, slept for about 5 hours before the cat was begging for food and dog for outside. Then Mom, Melanie and the kids were ready for Walmart for more presents, decorations, wrapping paper and hopefully some sort of anti-psychotic to get me through the rest of the weekend. Things were much simpler when I shopped online and Christmas presents just arrived at my house. Oh well. This adventure made for a much better blog. Now I just have to wrap it all up and hope it’s received with the love and insanity with which it was given.
(What do you mean “nobody wears that crap from PacSun”? Fuck you, kid. Seriously.)
And of course, let’s not forget Mom, Melanie, Fallon and Brian all have birthdays within a week of Christmas. Santa?…Little help?