Monthly Archives: November 2012

The Blackest of Fridays


I went Black Friday shopping this year. I haven’t been shopping the day after Thanksgiving since…well, since Black Friday actually started at 8:00 a.m. and not 8:00 p.m. the night before. God, I’m old. Anyway, after gorging myself on my mom’s amazing cooking, I took a short nap. But like most naps when I was a kid, I spent most of the time talking to my sister (via text) instead of sleeping. A sure fire way to make sure I went out grumpy despite the cookies and juice box I had when I got up. (By the way Juicy Juice, I’d appreciate a bigger hole in the box. I spilled vodka everywhere.) But since I love Christa-mas sooooo much, I figured I’d have great time. What could instill the holiday spirit more than buying 50% off items that will most likely be returned with 5,000 of my closest friends and neighbors at 2:00 a.m.? A sharp stick in the eye. That’s what!

(Yep. Still better than going to Best Buy any day of the week.)

The Gathering

So the mall stores opened at midnight. Melanie insisted we get there by 10. For someone who does numbers for her job, math really isn’t her strong suit. When we got there we parked our sweet asses in front of Hollister. Hollister is this trendy store with tiny little clothes that promotes itself as selling pure Southern California realness to kids not in L.A. Now, I lived in L.A. for almost 10 years and never saw anyone dress in clothes like they have in that store. But whatevs. It’s not up to me to judge the cool kids. I just want them to like me! Please! Come on, y’all. I can be cool! Anyways, in those 2 hours of waiting, I went to pee twice, moaned about how much longer 8 times and whined about being hungry 5 times. So far, so good. At 11, American Eagle opened, so Melanie ran over there to get some stuff while I held our place in the other line. Thankfully, she had more faith than I did about my ability to stay put and not wander off after something sparkly or trade our place for some magic beans.

(Shiny magic beans?! You had me at hello.)


While Melanie was in the other store, Ashton came over to say hi. Dammit! What the hell was she doing at the mall while we were shopping? She asked me where her mom was. I told her and she said, “But I was just about to go in there.” I told her don’t go in there. She said, “Why? I won’t look at what Mommy’s doing.” (pffttt. Really?) We went back and forth until I finally grabbed her sweet little face in my hands and said, “Ashton Faith, if you step one foot in American Eagle, I swear to God every single Christmas present I buy you will come from K-Mart!” Needless to say, she ran the other way. That’s parenting a teenager, right there folks. I’ll give you a moment to write it down.

And So It Begins…

Midnight arrives. The crowd is growing. Surging and pulsing like a single living organism. I had my orders from General Smelanie and knew exactly where I had to go in the store to get my assigned items. We were second in line. I got more hand action from strangers waiting that last 5 minutes for the store to open than I’ve gotten since last time I tried to convince guys at the bar to go ahead and prove I’m not a drag queen. Then, the doors opened and I did something unbelievable. Something crazy and insane and so remarkable, I can barely admit it. I ran. I hauled ass to the back of that store like a bat out of hell. And I got my shit. In case you don’t know me, let me inform you. I don’t run. I don’t see the point. I’m going to get where I’m going eventually so what’s the rush? Nothing really starts til I get there anyway. And there’s no point in me running from something because I’m not athletic but I am super clumsy and whatever it is that’s chasing me will eventually catch me. If a bad guy’s chasing me, there’s no point in spending my last few moments sweating, heaving and possibly tripping and scraping up my pretty face. Nonetheless, for my nieces to be able dress like they’re not related to me, I ran.

(Why did she run? It costs an extra $50 to nail the coffin closed.)

Are We Done Yet?

We shopped at the mall from 10pm to 4:30 am. I am not even kidding. That’s not even counting external stores and a couple of hours at Walmart later in the day. That was just the mall. And that place was packed! Not only were there people everywhere but there were kids everywhere. (And no, teenagers aren’t people. Ask anyone who owns one.) These idiots weren’t even shopping. They were just wandering around the mall like it was any Saturday afternoon. They were only there so they could be out late and be underfoot and in my damn way. Go home and go to bed, children! WTF? Despite the repeated drop offs at the car, I was always toting huge bags. And those bags were heavy! I don’t understand how stuff for two such very small individuals like my nieces can weigh so much. My feet were killing me and I was even wearing my Disneyland comfort shoes. My arms hurt from the bags and being repeatedly walked into. (Apparently, I forgot to leave my invisibility cloak in the car.) My head hurt from the noise. I was hungry. I was tired. I had to pee again. The buzz from my Juicy Vodka box had worn off. And then I realized, I was buying and hauling all this crap and none of it was even for me! Though I did make sure to torture Melanie quite thoroughly during the one full hour we spent in line at Victoria’s Secret by alternating between putting bras on my head, spraying the nearest Eau de Cat House scent all around us and asking her which teddy would look best on grandma. I got a really nice tote bag from Vicky’s though. So that made the wait a little more bearable.

(You can have this sparkly pink bag if you will just please get out of our sexy store.)

Anyway, by the time dawn was approaching, I was a tad…miffed. So Melanie promised to take me home. After we stopped at 3 other stores. I literally moaned in agony which the other, hateful shoppers found quite amusing. And I found it just as amusing to give a little flirt and grind on the shirtless male model outside Hollister.

Mall’s Well That Ends Well

So Melanie finally took me away from the mall. We stopped at 2 more exterior stores but she promised me if I was good, she would buy me some chicken nuggets. I was able to control my behavior just long enough to get through the drive-thru. After we got to her house, I could not believe the amount of crap we had. And then Melanie had the nerve to say, “This is a good start.” Start! Start? Ok, I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I went home, slept for about 5 hours before the cat was begging for food and dog for outside. Then Mom, Melanie and the kids were ready for Walmart for more presents, decorations, wrapping paper and hopefully some sort of anti-psychotic to get me through the rest of the weekend. Things were much simpler when I shopped online and Christmas presents just arrived at my house. Oh well. This adventure made for a much better blog. Now I just have to wrap it all up and hope it’s received with the love and insanity with which it was given.

(What do you mean “nobody wears that crap from PacSun”? Fuck you, kid. Seriously.)

And of course, let’s not forget Mom, Melanie, Fallon and Brian all have birthdays within a week of Christmas. Santa?…Little help?



A Day in the Life


I’ve now been back home for a month. I’m very happy to be here but it’s such a huge change from how I’ve been living my life for the past nine years. Everything’s much slower. The weather’s been crazy. The hurricane came through. There’s leaves everywhere. I’ve been colder the past 2 weeks than I’ve been in the past 5 years. I’m still looking for a job (eek!) but more on that later. I’m so used to it taking me forever to get anywhere, I’m showing up a good 30 minutes early to everything from job interviews, to dinner with friends, to choir practice. I end up sitting in my car, playing on my phone and singing with the radio while I wait for an appropriate time to arrive. I might get some weird looks, but they remember me, that’s for sure. Trust me. 5-10 miles in Roanoke is wayyyy different than 5-10 miles in L.A.

(I’d work hard for the money. If I had a job for some money. I’d work hard for the money la-la-la-blah-blah-right.)

Anyway, here’s how I’m rolling these days…

Accomplishment: Impossible

I always thought if I had a lot of spare time, I could accomplish so many things. I figured my house would be constantly spotless. Now, the house is clean but it takes so much more effort to heave my bulk off the couch to do chores than it did when I was busy. I partially blame it on the reclining sofa. How did I ever sit on a couch without reclining before now? I thought I’d write 50 hilarious blogs. But it turns out writing blogs really cuts into the time I need to spend checking the mail and proving the Internet wrong by showing that 15 shots of vodka in a day won’t really put me in a coma. And I see celebrities always working out and having fine bodies and stuff. Well of course, it’s easy for them. They don’t have to work 9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. If I didn’t have to go to work, I could exercise all day, too. Jerks. Not appreciating the plight of the working man. The truth is though, it hasn’t exactly “worked out” that way. Hahahaha, I made a pun. I’ve been home 33 days and the most exercise I’ve gotten is taking the trash to the bottom of the hill once a week (which requires a post-hill nap. It’s like a tenth of a mile both ways put together) and wandering around the Biltmore with my Dad and Janet that one day.

(George Vanderbilt. Victorian hotness.)

Job Search

I honestly thought I’d have a job by now. It’s taking forever. There aren’t that many opportunities. If I can email 2 resumes in one day, I’m doing fantastic. A lot of days there’s nothing. That sucks. Don’t these companies realize how their businesses are suffering without me to share my highly capable administrative support served with a side of unceasing, smart ass wit? Who the hell is going to decorate their offices with amazing Christa-mas crap if they don’t hire me already?! I’ve had several interviews and second interviews but nobody seems in a hurry to hire. “I really like you. Let’s talk again next week.” Okay…next week comes and then it’s “I still really like you. Can we reschedule?” or “The hurricane stole my power.” or “I can’t find my lunch. Can we do this on Monday?” Grrrrr! If I find your lunch for you, can I please get a damn paycheck?

(Your skills are incredible! How’s $9 an hour to start?)

I have a strong feeling the electric company and is not going to let me “reschedule” my paying their bills. Someone needs to give me a job. I promise I won’t even check my Facebook at work for the first week. (That’s 5 business days. Not 7.)


We all know that tv and I have a special relationship. But during my downtime since the move, tv and I have become closer than ever. TV is teaching me so much. I’ve learned I’m surprisingly good at pricing games on The Price is Right. I know all the prices for the regular stuff like groceries and housewares but no idea how much a new car, boat or RV costs. I always knew that redcoats were assholes but I had no idea how truly stupid they were until watching Daniel Boone. Little Joe on Bonanza has a left shoulder made of steel. He’s been shot there like a million times but always recovers by the end of the hour. Also, a woman should never fall in love with a Cartwright, or as I prefer to call them Cartwheels. It’s a death sentence. Any woman who falls in love with a Cartwheel will die. I’ve learned that Giada can’t pronounce words like “spaghetti” or “ricotta” without an asinine accent. You’re American, girl! Knock it off before I smack the “sheet” out of you. Zach Baggins from Ghost Hunters is living for the day he finally gets some ghost sex. I guess because no live woman would ever touch him. And I think the Dr. Quinn show should’ve been called “Dr. Quinn: Busybody Woman”. I swear, I ‘ve never seen anyone stick their nose in literally everyone’s business like she does.

(At least the show had lots of hot, sexy, muscly, rugged, manly, fine, strong, smoldering…wait, what was I talking about again?)

Law & Order, in some version or another, is on for at least 29 hours a day. As is Big Bang Theory, 2 ½ Men, South Park, Family Guy, Snapped and Cops. I find myself quite drawn to the crime shows. I don’t know why. I just like trying to figure out the story. Mom thinks I’m watching too much violence and murder. Buttons says I’m not watching enough. Who’s right?

Pros and Cons

All in all, I’m so happy to be living at home. I can see my sister and my friends whenever I want! But I don’t get to see my Cali friends. I like sitting on my ass. But I miss my paycheck. The leaves are gorgeous and the weather is amazing. But I haven’t had any Mexican food since I left L.A. I don’t have any traffic. Obama is president. And there’s no con to that one! The holidays are coming and I get to spend them at home with my family for the first time in nearly a decade. That is so freaking awesome, I can’t even describe it. Plus, my pets are with me, I got to see my Dad and Janet again and attend the infamous Caudle Halloween Party. I’m feeling super blessed. My world is not perfect but I’m thankful for all of it just as it is.

(Pictured: Perfect World)

But with the holidays on the way, I feel more writing coming on. Especially since I’ve been volunteered by my mother to accompany my sister for Black Friday shopping. Ack!