Monthly Archives: May 2012

Getting a Taste of the Back-o-Me Hand


So this blog is going to be about the day to day stuff that aggravates me to near violence. I could’ve titled the blog “Pet Peeves” but that doesn’t nearly display the irrational irritation I feel at the things I’m about to describe. Also, “Pet Peeves” sounds cute. It’s alliterative and sounds like pets-kitties and puppies. Not the things that people do that make me want to punch them in the throat. Some of these things bother me way more than others. And some of these things my friends do but I love them, so it doesn’t bother me so much. But when other people do it…I start feeling real stabby.

(Go ahead. Sing “It’s a Small World” one more damn time.)

Butchering the English Language

Some of you may be saying, “Why do I have to talk and spell good English? I ain’t never going to England.” Well, my friend, this is America. We actually do speak English here. In order to be a functional member of our society, you really should be able to speak and spell correctly in your native language. Now it takes some brains to be a legal secretary (my current day job). When I started at this office, I noticed the secretary before me had made labels to opposing counsel for every case and saved them on the server. Thanks, Ex-Secretary! Except she spelled it “lables”-every single time. How can you work at a job like this and not even be able to spell “labels”? Needless to say, my OCD took over and I renamed every file properly. Here are a few honest to God posts BY ADULTS as seen on my Facebook.

“Dont take it rong.”

“Your not specialer then me.”

“That’s beutifull.”

“She past the test!”

“Text me. I’m board.”

Wow. Just…wow. And these are sober, grown up people, who have high school and/or college educations. Do you have any idea how ignorant you look? How did you pass school? Did they just kick you out because they were tired of trying? I am appalled by this. It drives me insane!

(Me no function beer well without.)

This also goes into the new generation of texting. Omg srsly, y do ppl shrtn wrds lik dat 2 txt? Tbh, idk. Plz n thx, tho. As Melanie says, “Where did all the vowels go?!” I do use things like “omg” but I get to do that because I know if someone put a gun to my head, I could actually spell it all out properly. And I know without a doubt there is a huge population of up and coming youth that could not make that same statement. This type of communication is becoming more prevalent on Facebook, Twitter and all the other social media as well. The site Tumblr can’t even spell its own name right. Won’t someone please think of the vowels!

Time After Time

Everyone is late sometimes. I get that. Especially in L.A. where traffic is a bitch and you’re sitting there forever while you have to pee and Grandpa is trying to figure out how to cross 5 lanes of freeway because his exit is 100 feet in front of him and you just want to scream and ram into the car in front of you so it will just fucking MOVE! Sorry. Lost myself for a moment there. So yes, sometimes we’re late. But chronic lateness is just rude. It basically says to the people who are waiting on you that they are not important. It’s disrespectful. Oh Lord, I just sounded like my mother. If I start saying “Don’t dismiss me, young lady.” then we’re going to have a problem. Anyway, some of my friends are going to be late for their own funerals and I accept that about them. But it’s those other people. The ones who do it on purpose because they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. I don’t want to have to sit and wait 10-15 minutes for a meeting to start because someone, who already knew the meeting started at 9am, has to get coffee and go to the bathroom and check their email one more time before they can show up. I have to be at work on time but apparently, that rule doesn’t apply to everyone. Some people get to wander in whenever they damn well please. And not because of traffic or helping old ladies across the street. Just because they don’t feel they have to be in on time. If I, and millions of other Americans, can get our asses to our desks by 8:00 a.m., why can’t you! And that shit pisses me off like almost nothing else.

(It’s pain o’clock, jackass!)

Miss Manners

I don’t know if it’s because I’m from the South or just because I was raised right but where are the manners in this world anymore?  There are certain inalienable things I have carried from childhood to adulthood. 1. A fierce hatred of Spaghetti-O’s; 2. Sticking your finger in any head hole and wiping it on your sister is funny; 3. God is real; 4. Being rude will get me a smack upside the back of my head, regardless of age. I really hate being smacked in the back of the head, ergo, I am polite. The use of such phrases as “Please”, “Thank you”, “You’re welcome”, “Ma’am”, “Sir”, “May I” and “Excuse me” are rarely heard anymore. I hate that! Saying “excuse me” when you’ve just severed my Achille’s tendon with your Wal-Mart cart would really take the sting out. When I first moved to L.A. and was waiting tables I said, “Yes, ma’am” to a customer and she asked, “What part of the South are you from?” I asked her if my accent was that bad and she said, “No but no one here says ‘ma’am’ unless they’re from the South.” True story. Men don’t hold doors for ladies. Actually no one holds doors for anyone. We aren’t nice to each other anymore. It’s kind of sad. Oh, and here’s one that burns my potatoes. People who talk on the phone while they are in a public restroom. Ew!

(So then I says to Mabel, I says, “Gurrrllll…”)

Yeah, you’re gross. There is NOTHING you have to say that cannot wait until after you pee. I promise you. Either hold it or call them back. I will not control any bodily function if I hear you on the phone in the stall next door. I can promise you that. There are not enough barns is the U.S. for all these rude losers to have been born in. And if I had talked to my mother the way I hear some kids talk to theirs in public, I would’ve eaten my teeth. Maybe that’s it. Kids just aren’t being beaten like they used to. Ok, this is getting a little long so let’s do a quick written montage of a few more things…(please hear Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” as you read this next part. No good reason other than I heard it on the radio on the way home and it’s a great song that should be stuck in someone else’s head besides mine right now.)

Other Stuff Deserving of a Kidney Kick

“Have you seen the…uh…” finish your sentence. I’m not Kreskin or Madam Cleo. I can’t help you unless you finish your thought. If you can.

“I hate seafood, you know. I have so much work to do, you know. My husband’s member is tiny, you know.” Yes, I know. You just told me, moron!

“I was all like ‘Hi, Greg.’ and he was all like ‘Hey baby.’ Like so cool.” You were not “like” anything. You said <insert insipid conversation>. He said <etc.>. Ease up Valley Girl. This is a new century. A new beginning.

“I went to the mall and had to return that top because it was too small. Does that make sense?” You spoke simple English. I understand simple English. Yes, I freaking understand. What a stupid damn question!

“She looks like a whore with all that makeup.” Says the girl wearing twice as much makeup and half as much clothes. Don’t call people out for something you’re doing yourself.

Liberry is not a word. It’s library.

Thee-ATER is not a word. It’s just theater.

Irregardless is not a word. In fact, spell check just underlined it in red. The word is “regardless”. Look it up. The internet can do more than just deliver lightning fast porn.

“I have 5 dollar and 24 cent.” No, idiot. You have 5 dollars, 24 cents and zero brain. It’s called plural. Again, look it up.

“Look at question number B.” I HATE this one! I get this from actual attorneys at work. Doctors of Jurisprudence say “number B”. B is a letter, not a number. Say “Look at question B” or “Look at question lettered B”. There is no such damn thing as number B!

“I could care less if he gets hit by a car.” No, you couldn’t care less. If you could care less, that would indicate you care some. God, I’m starting to get eye twitches writing all this crap down!

Lastly (for today), DO NOT treat me like I’m stupid. I’m no Stephen Hawking or anything but I am an intelligent, well-read woman who is a good secretary and a great actress. If you talk down to me, you are asking for it. If I don’t know something, I’ll ask and I’ll learn. But never assume you have to talk to me like I’m an idiot or a child. That’s just asking for a swift kick in the nuts.

(Yes, I know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

“You’re” getting kicked in “your” balls right now!)

Thank you all so much for your time and attention as I vented my spleen. I feel much better now. What are some of your pet peeves?

And if you like totally like hart my blog, share it with your freinz, you know! I wood be soooo =D. Lmao. Peece out, biches…