I’ve now been back home for a month. I’m very happy to be here but it’s such a huge change from how I’ve been living my life for the past nine years. Everything’s much slower. The weather’s been crazy. The hurricane came through. There’s leaves everywhere. I’ve been colder the past 2 weeks than I’ve been in the past 5 years. I’m still looking for a job (eek!) but more on that later. I’m so used to it taking me forever to get anywhere, I’m showing up a good 30 minutes early to everything from job interviews, to dinner with friends, to choir practice. I end up sitting in my car, playing on my phone and singing with the radio while I wait for an appropriate time to arrive. I might get some weird looks, but they remember me, that’s for sure. Trust me. 5-10 miles in Roanoke is wayyyy different than 5-10 miles in L.A.
(I’d work hard for the money. If I had a job for some money. I’d work hard for the money la-la-la-blah-blah-right.)
Anyway, here’s how I’m rolling these days…
I always thought if I had a lot of spare time, I could accomplish so many things. I figured my house would be constantly spotless. Now, the house is clean but it takes so much more effort to heave my bulk off the couch to do chores than it did when I was busy. I partially blame it on the reclining sofa. How did I ever sit on a couch without reclining before now? I thought I’d write 50 hilarious blogs. But it turns out writing blogs really cuts into the time I need to spend checking the mail and proving the Internet wrong by showing that 15 shots of vodka in a day won’t really put me in a coma. And I see celebrities always working out and having fine bodies and stuff. Well of course, it’s easy for them. They don’t have to work 9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. If I didn’t have to go to work, I could exercise all day, too. Jerks. Not appreciating the plight of the working man. The truth is though, it hasn’t exactly “worked out” that way. Hahahaha, I made a pun. I’ve been home 33 days and the most exercise I’ve gotten is taking the trash to the bottom of the hill once a week (which requires a post-hill nap. It’s like a tenth of a mile both ways put together) and wandering around the Biltmore with my Dad and Janet that one day.
(George Vanderbilt. Victorian hotness.)
I honestly thought I’d have a job by now. It’s taking forever. There aren’t that many opportunities. If I can email 2 resumes in one day, I’m doing fantastic. A lot of days there’s nothing. That sucks. Don’t these companies realize how their businesses are suffering without me to share my highly capable administrative support served with a side of unceasing, smart ass wit? Who the hell is going to decorate their offices with amazing Christa-mas crap if they don’t hire me already?! I’ve had several interviews and second interviews but nobody seems in a hurry to hire. “I really like you. Let’s talk again next week.” Okay…next week comes and then it’s “I still really like you. Can we reschedule?” or “The hurricane stole my power.” or “I can’t find my lunch. Can we do this on Monday?” Grrrrr! If I find your lunch for you, can I please get a damn paycheck?
(Your skills are incredible! How’s $9 an hour to start?)
I have a strong feeling the electric company and porn4ever.com is not going to let me “reschedule” my paying their bills. Someone needs to give me a job. I promise I won’t even check my Facebook at work for the first week. (That’s 5 business days. Not 7.)
CW + TV = BFF
We all know that tv and I have a special relationship. But during my downtime since the move, tv and I have become closer than ever. TV is teaching me so much. I’ve learned I’m surprisingly good at pricing games on The Price is Right. I know all the prices for the regular stuff like groceries and housewares but no idea how much a new car, boat or RV costs. I always knew that redcoats were assholes but I had no idea how truly stupid they were until watching Daniel Boone. Little Joe on Bonanza has a left shoulder made of steel. He’s been shot there like a million times but always recovers by the end of the hour. Also, a woman should never fall in love with a Cartwright, or as I prefer to call them Cartwheels. It’s a death sentence. Any woman who falls in love with a Cartwheel will die. I’ve learned that Giada can’t pronounce words like “spaghetti” or “ricotta” without an asinine accent. You’re American, girl! Knock it off before I smack the “sheet” out of you. Zach Baggins from Ghost Hunters is living for the day he finally gets some ghost sex. I guess because no live woman would ever touch him. And I think the Dr. Quinn show should’ve been called “Dr. Quinn: Busybody Woman”. I swear, I ‘ve never seen anyone stick their nose in literally everyone’s business like she does.
(At least the show had lots of hot, sexy, muscly, rugged, manly, fine, strong, smoldering…wait, what was I talking about again?)
Law & Order, in some version or another, is on for at least 29 hours a day. As is Big Bang Theory, 2 ½ Men, South Park, Family Guy, Snapped and Cops. I find myself quite drawn to the crime shows. I don’t know why. I just like trying to figure out the story. Mom thinks I’m watching too much violence and murder. Buttons says I’m not watching enough. Who’s right?
Pros and Cons
All in all, I’m so happy to be living at home. I can see my sister and my friends whenever I want! But I don’t get to see my Cali friends. I like sitting on my ass. But I miss my paycheck. The leaves are gorgeous and the weather is amazing. But I haven’t had any Mexican food since I left L.A. I don’t have any traffic. Obama is president. And there’s no con to that one! The holidays are coming and I get to spend them at home with my family for the first time in nearly a decade. That is so freaking awesome, I can’t even describe it. Plus, my pets are with me, I got to see my Dad and Janet again and attend the infamous Caudle Halloween Party. I’m feeling super blessed. My world is not perfect but I’m thankful for all of it just as it is.
(Pictured: Perfect World)
But with the holidays on the way, I feel more writing coming on. Especially since I’ve been volunteered by my mother to accompany my sister for Black Friday shopping. Ack!