This actually could be a very short blog entry. What are men thinking? Nothing. That about covers it. Thanks for stopping by!
But that’s mean. Men are more complicated than that. Well, some of them are. Just not a lot of them or for a long period of time. Now before some of you sensitive types get your feathers all ruffled, let me say I know some men have thoughts and feelings. But from my experiences, observations and experiments, the vast majority of them don’t. We all know I write for comedic effect, so don’t get all butt hurt because I called your manly ass out. You’re a dude. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off.
Now, I love men. And I have learned to accept them for what they are and we get along much better this way. The way I see it, guys’ brains revolve around four basic categories of thought (1) Eating, (2) Humping, (3) Free Time Between Eating and Humping and (4) Miscellaneous. Let’s get started on our short journey through the male psyche.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s true. I used to make my ex-husband “yellow dinner”. It was his favorite. Yellow dinner consisted of shake-n-bake chicken tenders that were fried with honey mustard sauce on the side, buttered corn, macaroni and cheese and banana pudding for dessert.
Anything breaded, fried, buttered and/or covered in cheese was all he needed. And to have all of that on one plate? Yes, ma’am! But it didn’t really matter what it was, if he could eat it, he was happy. If you’re not a culinary whiz like myself and yellow dinner seems out of your skill set, don’t worry. If you put it on a plate, or a bowl, or even hand it to him in a bag, he will love you for it. Guys do not eat for health or socializing like women do. I’ve seen men who were so intent on snacking while watching tv, they didn’t even realize I dropped some loose change in the chips bowl and they ate my parking meter money without even noticing. So don’t ask a man what he wants to eat. Because when he says “I don’t care”, he really means it. Whatever you pick will be fine. If you want steak, get steak. He will eat what you put in front of him. (And yes, beer does count as food.)
This is such a basic thing for guys. Their inner cave man tells them all the time, “You must spread your seed and continue this obviously under populated species. The world needs more of YOU! Do it for everyone! Do it with everyone! Do it now!” Ladies, don’t take it personally. It’s just how Mother Nature made them. (On a bet with Father Time over what he could do to us.) You think they only want super models and stuff. That is a mistake. I’ll tell you a secret an ex-boyfriend told me once. All men check out all women in one fashion or another, even if for just a split second. From ages 16-86, a small corner of their brain looks her over and wonders, “hmmm, if I was only 40 years older or she was 30 years younger…” And they want to be wanted back. So they look. But looking isn’t doing. And knowing this, women need to stop worrying over how they look. Especially in the sack. No more inhibitions and self-image issues. If you are kind enough to give a man some naked time, he is grateful. He is happy. He is thrilled! He is not checking out that zit on your chin, your sweat stank or the little roll of back fat you’re trying so hard to conceal. He’s not noticing a lot more than, “Hey! Look at me go!” He’s finally getting some and you are the amazing angel who is giving it to him. Don’t read any more into it than that. Because he’s not.
Free Time Between Eating and Humping
Men have to find something to do to fill up the time between eating and humping. Or thinking about humping (which is about as far as some of them get). Some of that time is filled with work. But I think men only work so they can get money to buy food, beer and pornography so as to fill their two main objectives in life. The rest of the time is filled with their hobby. Some guys like sports. They get to yell and be competitive and live and laugh and fight and love! A modern day in the life of their club-wielding, prehistoric brethren. They indulge in many snacks and get to watch cheerleaders jumping in the game and models during commercials selling said snacks. Bringing us back toooooo…eating and humping.
Some guys don’t like sports though. They like stuff like video games and Star Wars. Same basic principal though. They yell, compete, fight, bond, etc. But instead of in a sports game, it’s in space. Or an enchanted forest of some sort. And their chicks have fairy wings or three boobies. You getting the picture? And other guys like home improvement stuff. Sawing, building, mowing, installing, fixing cars. They drink lots of beer because hey, you can’t get a good perspective on roof repairs from the top of a ladder without a good buzz. And if you fix stuff, it will look nice. And if it looks nice, women will like it. And if women like it, they might like you. And if a woman likes you, you have a much better chance of touching her goodies without getting arrested.
This is where guys put the rest of their thoughts. Thoughts about calling his mom or why you’re crying or if he really could karate chop through 5 wooden planks.
Most of the thoughts in this area are fleeting and don’t really take root in the man’s brain. They are jellyfish thoughts. They float around and if he grabs them, they will sting him and then he will have to pee on his own brain. Don’t ask me to explain the logic. I’m just a girl. There are many thoughts in here but they don’t tend to hang around long. Where’s the remote? Should I pet the dog? Why is that random kid who looks like me blocking the tv? Did I just eat a dime out of the chip bowl?
So, lovely ladies of the world, now you know. Don’t ever ask a man, “What are you thinking?” Because if he says (a) eating and/or (b) humping, you’ll get mad and won’t fix dinner and won’t let him sleep with you. And if he says he’s thinking about mowing the lawn on Planet Three Boob with Kobe (which is what he really is thinking about), you won’t believe him and you’ll keep asking until he says a random thought like “Your sister’s hot” or “I have to poop now.” which will just get you madder. So when a woman asks, “What are you thinking about?” It’s easier for them just to say, “Nothing.”
Happy Valentine’s Day!