Monthly Archives: February 2012

What I Think Guys Think

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This actually could be a very short blog entry. What are men thinking? Nothing. That about covers it. Thanks for stopping by!

But that’s mean. Men are more complicated than that. Well, some of them are. Just not a lot of them or for a long period of time. Now before some of you sensitive types get your feathers all ruffled, let me say I know some men have thoughts and feelings. But from my experiences, observations and experiments, the vast majority of them don’t. We all know I write for comedic effect, so don’t get all butt hurt because I called your manly ass out. You’re a dude. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off.

Now, I love men. And I have learned to accept them for what they are and we get along much better this way. The way I see it, guys’ brains revolve around four basic categories of thought (1) Eating, (2) Humping, (3) Free Time Between Eating and Humping and (4) Miscellaneous. Let’s get started on our short journey through the male psyche.

Eating

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s true. I used to make my ex-husband “yellow dinner”. It was his favorite. Yellow dinner consisted of shake-n-bake chicken tenders that were fried with honey mustard sauce on the side, buttered corn, macaroni and cheese and banana pudding for dessert.

(With a coronary infarction for a bedtime snack)

Anything breaded, fried, buttered and/or covered in cheese was all he needed. And to have all of that on one plate? Yes, ma’am! But it didn’t really matter what it was, if he could eat it, he was happy. If you’re not a culinary whiz like myself and yellow dinner seems out of your skill set, don’t worry. If you put it on a plate, or a bowl, or even hand it to him in a bag, he will love you for it. Guys do not eat for health or socializing like women do. I’ve seen men who were so intent on snacking while watching tv, they didn’t even realize I dropped some loose change in the chips bowl and they ate my parking meter money without even noticing. So don’t ask a man what he wants to eat. Because when he says “I don’t care”, he really means it. Whatever you pick will be fine. If you want steak, get steak. He will eat what you put in front of him. (And yes, beer does count as food.)

Humping

This is such a basic thing for guys. Their inner cave man tells them all the time, “You must spread your seed and continue this obviously under populated species. The world needs more of YOU! Do it for everyone! Do it with everyone! Do it now!” Ladies, don’t take it personally. It’s just how Mother Nature made them. (On a bet with Father Time over what he could do to us.) You think they only want super models and stuff. That is a mistake. I’ll tell you a secret an ex-boyfriend told me once. All men check out all women in one fashion or another, even if for just a split second. From ages 16-86, a small corner of their brain looks her over and wonders, “hmmm, if I was only 40 years older or she was 30 years younger…” And they want to be wanted back. So they look. But looking isn’t doing. And knowing this, women need to stop worrying over how they look. Especially in the sack. No more inhibitions and self-image issues. If you are kind enough to give a man some naked time, he is grateful. He is happy. He is thrilled! He is not checking out that zit on your chin, your sweat stank or the little roll of back fat you’re trying so hard to conceal. He’s not noticing a lot more than, “Hey! Look at me go!” He’s finally getting some and you are the amazing angel who is giving it to him. Don’t read any more into it than that. Because he’s not.

(Thank you Lord for these boobs I am about to receive.)

Free Time Between Eating and Humping

Men have to find something to do to fill up the time between eating and humping. Or thinking about humping (which is about as far as some of them get). Some of that time is filled with work. But I think men only work so they can get money to buy food, beer and pornography so as to fill their two main objectives in life. The rest of the time is filled with their hobby. Some guys like sports. They get to yell and be competitive and live and laugh and fight and love! A modern day in the life of their club-wielding, prehistoric brethren. They indulge in many snacks and get to watch cheerleaders jumping in the game and models during commercials selling said snacks. Bringing us back toooooo…eating and humping.

(Isn’t the circle of life beautiful?)

Some guys don’t like sports though. They like stuff like video games and Star Wars. Same basic principal though. They yell, compete, fight, bond, etc. But instead of in a sports game, it’s in space. Or an enchanted forest of some sort. And their chicks have fairy wings or three boobies. You getting the picture? And other guys like home improvement stuff. Sawing, building, mowing, installing, fixing cars. They drink lots of beer because hey, you can’t get a good perspective on roof repairs from the top of a ladder without a good buzz. And if you fix stuff, it will look nice. And if it looks nice, women will like it. And if women like it, they might like you. And if a woman likes you, you have a much better chance of touching her goodies without getting arrested.

(But I got the toilet to stop making that sound that scares her cat, dammit!)

Miscellaneous

This is where guys put the rest of their thoughts. Thoughts about calling his mom or why you’re crying or if he really could karate chop through 5 wooden planks.

(Jackie Chan’s got nothing on this stud muffin.)

Most of the thoughts in this area are fleeting and don’t really take root in the man’s brain. They are jellyfish thoughts. They float around and if he grabs them, they will sting him and then he will have to pee on his own brain. Don’t ask me to explain the logic. I’m just a girl. There are many thoughts in here but they don’t tend to hang around long. Where’s the remote? Should I pet the dog? Why is that random kid who looks like me blocking the tv? Did I just eat a dime out of the chip bowl?

So, lovely ladies of the world, now you know. Don’t ever ask a man, “What are you thinking?” Because if he says (a) eating and/or (b) humping, you’ll get mad and won’t fix dinner and won’t let him sleep with you. And if he says he’s thinking about mowing the lawn on Planet Three Boob with Kobe (which is what he really is thinking about), you won’t believe him and you’ll keep asking until he says a random thought like “Your sister’s hot” or “I have to poop now.” which will just get you madder. So when a woman asks, “What are you thinking about?” It’s easier for them just to say, “Nothing.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Guilty Pleasures…on TV

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I love tv. That’s why I have spent my life trying to get on tv. TV has, at times, been my mother, father, brother and secret lover. Being a movie star would be nice but I really want to be on tv. The Simpsons, Married with Children, Golden Girls, My Name is Earl, the A-Team and so many others have all worked throughout my life to hone my smart-ass mouth and extensive knowledge of explosives into what it is today. There’s not as much great tv out there right now. Some are obvious Christa shows-Raising Hope, Project Runway, Glee, New Girl. But there are also a few shows out there now that I can watch until I’m cross-eyed that you normally wouldn’t think would be my cup of tea. But for some reason, I love them, I adore them and can watch them for hours.

(All the good men are either married or cartoons. Or both.)

RuPaul’s Drag Race

This show is so awesome. A bunch of drag queens get together to do wacky challenges and sick runway shows all at the hand of the Queen of all Queens, RuPaul. They get to win money, a lifetime supply of makeup and a huge sparkly crown. All I really need to live a happy life. And my God, RuPaul is a beautiful woman. We all know I wish I was a drag queen. There is so much glitter, sparkles, colors, bitchiness and Absolut Vodka, that I could drown in this show. I love the fact that these guys can go from homely, hairy dudes into totally over-the-top, beautiful Glamazons. I want to be a Glamazon! Every time I watch this show, I want to be a better girl. I want to immediately fix my hair, put my make up on several inches thick, put on a short skirt and throw some shade at some bitches. (throw shade=talk smack…fyi) I even auditioned for RuPaul’s Drag U. A spin-off where they take normal (read-unfortunate looking) women and make them beautiful drag queens. Hell to the yeah! Actually for me though, hell to the no. I was informed by casting, through a very sweet email, that RuPaul does not think I am in need of a makeover. But if I have some more “normal” friends who might be interested, send them to the show. Oh well, at least RuPaul doesn’t think my look is busted (a little more lingo for you there). So which of my friends to forward that email to…….

(Maybe I should’ve shown up looking like this!)

Gangland

Gangland is this documentary show on street gangs and motorcycle gangs in America. I’m fascinated with this show. There’s a lot of violence, drugs and terribleness. I’m going to be careful on wording this one because the last thing I need is some MS13 or Latin King coming over here to pop a cap in my curvy, white ass. This show is an entire world I can’t even fathom. The poverty, the violence, the lack of structure or motivation. It’s insane to me. I’ve been poor but not like this. Also, the lack of respect for life, be it someone else’s or their own, is astounding. They seem to be living to die. I can’t wrap my pathetic little suburban brain around it. And it’s even more incredible to me that so many of these gangs are a few measly miles down the street from me here in L.A. I thought I’d seen a lot and was a pretty tough cookie. Guess what? I’m not. I try to remember some of the words they use though, so I can throw them out there in random conversation and look real bad ass. Like when I told my friend at work that when Wes joined the Dixiewood cast, we were going to “jump him in”. That means beat his ass so he would be worthy of working with us. We didn’t really do that. And who wants to be in a club with guys who punch and kick you for 3 minutes so you can prove your awesomeness? No thanks. I prefer to be friends with people who don’t make me bleed. But I can still watch this show for hours because it’s a part of our society that’s very foreign and yet compelling to me.

(So, you wanna get a McFlurry or something now?)

Cartoons

I am a huge Simpsons fan, obviously. I also love King of the Hill. Hank Hill is my dad. Hank sells propane. My dad is a gas measurement engineer. They both live in Texas. They are both republicans. They both love their lawns and their beer and steak and hunting and fixing things and they are completely baffled by their children who are comedians. Spooky, ain’t it? I love older cartoons, too. I still watch Scooby Doo and The Smurfs. The Smurfs’ obvious communist lifestyle is hilarious. 100 guys, all living in one village in the same houses, wearing the same outfits, eating the same food, each using his one talent to make the entire village better and following one wise old sage wearing red. They also work hard to fight off the evil Gargamel who wants to turn the Smurfs into gold so he can be richer than anyone (capitalism). He even created a girl Smurf to distract them. This show rocks.

(They’re much cuter than Lenin and Stalin put together.)

I also love the old tried and true slapstick greatness of Tom & Jerry and Bugs Bunny. For a long time I thought Kill the Wabbit was a real opera. I used to laugh milk out of my nose at Tom’s never ending failure to catch that one little mouse. Ha-stupid cat! Now, it’s vodka coming out of my nose but the point is, they still make me laugh. I can watch cartoons forever.

Food Network

Why in the hell do I love Food Network? I don’t know but I do. I’m not a foodie and I have no interest in trying weird food. I’m actually a very picky eater. I like the competition shows like Next Iron Chef or Food Network Challenge. I’m amazed at how the chefs make amazing food and it looks so easy. It’s probably kinda hard though. I can cook some but not like Food Network people! I also love Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Iron Chef and Iron Chef America are close to my favorites though. They take the most disgusting things and make food out of them and then make people eat it! Ew! I am sorry. I don’t care how much fennel and garlic you put on a duck’s bill-I am NOT going to put that in my mouth. But I love to watch other people do it. And then they exclaim over how delicious it is. Hm, I don’t know if they’re lying just to be on tv or my palate is that of Cro-Magnon Man (probably the latter) because it looks so gross to me. But I still watch it in awe. Also, they make a lot of seafood. I hate seafood. All of it, except tuna salad where the tuna comes out of a can and looks and tastes nothing like real fish. I just can’t put something in my mouth that swims in and breathes the same water it poops and has sex in. It’s just nasty.

(And I just farted on your plate, too.)

Going Old School

I also really enjoy early television. Bachelor Father starring John Forsythe and Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver are the bees knees! They’re clichéd and hackneyed but they’re the ancestors of modern sit coms. Every joke on tv today is somehow recreated from these old shows. These shows are still funny. They’re sweet and they remind me of a less complicated time when family meant something. Or at least on tv it did. And also, I honestly don’t think Beaver jokes would be as funny without them. And Tony Dow was hot. I’m quite addicted to a lot of the old 60’s shows as well. Batman is amazing. Every huge movie star wanted to be on it. The whole campy goodness of it is delicious. Every villain was awesome and the Caped Crusaders’ tights leave little to the imagination. I also adore the Wild, Wild West. Ross Martin is a genius (and underrated) actor and Robert Conrad was hot. The fight scenes were great and this was before CGI and special effects, people. The Monkees is also a super fun show. I know the words to all the songs and I completely understand how they stole the hearts of a generation of girls-my mother included.

(Hey Beiber. You stole my haircut, you little bitch.)

So when you’re emailing/texting/calling me and I don’t get back to you, it’s probably because I’m watching tv. It actually took me two days to write this blog because Idol’s back on, I have back episodes of Bachelor Father to catch up on and the Cake Boss: The Next Great Baker finale was on. So that’s about it for this episode. See you next time. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.