I know we all watch the claymation tv special “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” each holiday season. It’s a classic. As with all holiday tv specials, as I watch it at home, my mom is blessed with my continuous amusing jokes, questions and comments. But since this is the season of giving, I decided to write all this down for y’all so you can experience watching it with me. So let’s pull up a comfy seat (this might be a long one) and enjoy “Christa’s Christmas Commentary”. Ha! Look! I used C’s for all those words just like a Kardashian uses K’s. Except, oh yeah, I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING SPELL! God, I hate them. Moving on…
(More attractive to me than Kardashians…and he has actual talent)
The show starts with Burl Ives as a snowman kinda gliding across the snow at the North Pole narrating for us about the bad weather. Because blizzards at the North Pole are a new thing? I’m not sure if they meant the snowman to look like Burl or if he just happens to look like a snowman. Eerie coincidence just the same.
Then we go to Mrs. Claus bitching at Santa for not eating enough. She wants him to be fatter. “Do it for the children.” Manipulative much? He is a bit skinny but I wouldn’t be so hard on an old man with an obvious eating disorder. To escape her endless nagging, Santa goes out to the caves to see Donner’s new baby. I would think Santa would keep the reindeer in some sort of stable or barn, but what the hell do I know. Cave it is.
(Santa slumming with the help.)
Rudolph appears a bit drunk or something. He can hardly stand up and he slurs “Saaan-ta?” and gazes vacantly through squinty eyes. But hey, we’ve all been there, right? No judgment here. Santa vaguely praises the kid and says he should make a good addition to his slave team. Huh? Oh! Sleigh team. Whatever. Then Santa sings a song about how he’s the King of dinga lings. Not something I’d want to advertise. Oh. Mom says it’s King of jinga lings. What’s the damn difference? Six of one, really.
Since Rudolph has this weird glowing nose, Donner decides that he has to do something to cover it up. Let’s not take him to a doctor or anything. I guess Santa’s health plan isn’t all that it could be. But why does his nose make that God awful noise? That’s very disturbing. And why doesn’t anybody notice it? It’s way more annoying than the glow.
(You’re more embarrassing than Uncle Stephanie. And that’s saying something.)
Moving on. Elves building toys: There’s a real asshole Boss Elf and a bunch of singing elves making toys. Awwww, totes presh. (That’s teenager for “totally precious”.) We then meet Hermie Elf who doesn’t want to sing or make toys but he wants to be a dentist. No crime in that, is there? Oh, apparently it is a crime because Boss Elf is handing Hermie his ass. Because Boss Elf’s way is the only way and I’m not going to make a whole deal over the obvious similarities to close minded people wanting those who are different to adjust to their lifestyle. Wait, isn’t Hermie in that boy band, One Direction, now? They call him Niall. You can tell by the hair.
(Yep…I think we have a winner!)
Hermie then sings a song “I’m just a misfit. Why am I such a dumb shit?” or something. Stick to dentistry, my friend. Singing’s not really your bag. Rudolph sings a reprise of the same thing. I feel a real personal kinship coming up between these two. Ooooo, foreshadowing.
Commercial time. Thank God. I gotta pee.
Ok, we’re back. Time for elf practice. Hmmm, have you ever noticed the boy elves can be fat and ugly and wear glasses but all the girl elves are small, blonde and cute? That’s some bullshit, right there! The North Pole Human Resources Department: Diversity Division has really dropped the ball on their hiring practices. But good old Hermie skipped elf practice. OOOoooo…Boss Elf is so angry. What’s his damn problem? He needs some sweet loving or something. Hermie’s running away. Yay! Fight the establishment, Hermie!
Now it’s time for reindeer practice. Why is Rudolph talking like that? Like he’s all stuffed up. It’s just a little dirt on your nose. I put make up on my nose every day and I talk fine. Lay off the drama, Rudy. So right before it’s Rudolph’s time to jump, some girl deer, (Faline, Celine, Clarice, Sharon ???), all slutted up in Kardashian level makeup (I just hate them so damn much!) flirts with Rudolph and he jumps higher than everyone.
(Wanna guide my sleigh, nose boy?)
Sharon collects the money from her friends from where she bet she could give Rudolph his first boner. Oops. Rudolph’s nose make up comes off. Santa gives Donner a proper dressing down for not drowning his son when he was a baby like he should have. So Donner should be ashamed of his kid’s birth defect per Santa? Where the hell was Peta during the filming of this thing?
Clareen gives Rudolph some lip service about being fine the way he is and the forest animals roll their eyes behind her back. But Rudolph’s not buying her shit and decides to run away. Oh, look! It’s Hermie. “Let’s be independent together.” he says to Rudolph. Umm, independent means doing it alone, stupid.
Commercial break: Time for a snack. I’m out of popcorn and liquor. Dammit.
So on the run, Rudy and Hermie meet Yukon Cornelius. That’s too much to type, so I’m calling him Cornie. I think he’s on something. He’s tweaking pretty hard. And he keeps licking his pick ax. Freak. Cornie has a St. Bernard! I shall call him St. Corn. So now the little trio is traveling together. Cornie pulls the sled and the dogs ride. Cool. I’m liking this dude.
(Feel my wrath…briefly.)
They escape. Ok. That was kinda pointless. Rad special effects, though. (insert sarcasm) Now if, as Cornie says, a Bumble’s one weakness is sinking in water, how the hell did he get out of the water when he fell off the edge of the iceberg? Yeah. Think about it. Cornie sings about silver and gold which I think he needs to buy more of that sweet smack. Even his mustache is high.
(Look at St. Corn’s sweet little barrel!)
Back home, Donner pretends he cares (because the script tells him to) and says he’s going to look for Rudy. It’s all your fault he left, dick! But the women are supposed to stay home because this is man’s work. Of course, the women don’t stay home. They go out on their own because they are stupid women and I’m sure this will cause mad trouble later.
The gang has found their way to the Island of Misfit toys. So far we have eating disorders, abused baby reindeer, misogyny, bullying, runaways, drugs and now handicapable toys. Yep, I’m feeling the spirit y’all. What’s wrong with the doll? Why is she there? Is she like a bitch or something? And I don’t see what’s so wrong with a spotted elephant. Shit, kids this year are screaming for stuffed animals with plastic backs that put on a psychedelic light show before bedtime. Spots ain’t nothing but a thang. And if the water pistol is full of jelly, just wash it out and add water. It’s not brain surgery.
(Oh God! The Horrors!)
This island reminds me of Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary from South Park. Omg, was this thing stolen from South Park? Eh, probably not. Or I’m sure they would’ve sued.
So after the Lion King, who’s sick of the whining of all the misfit toys, makes the Traveling Trio promise to bring Santa to clear the trespassers off his land, they go to bed. But then Drama Queen Rudolph decides to play the martyr and runs off on his own. Because his nose will make the Bumble come back. Yes, Rudolph. The Bumble’s whole life revolves around YOU. Pfffttt. And I’m supposed to be sad because you wandered off in the freezing wilderness like an ass? Not bloody likely.
Commercial Break: Why do I have to pee again?
Back to the show. Rudolph has grown up. How long was he gone? He’s got a huge rack of antlers and his voice has dropped. Among other things, I’m guessing (tee-hee). He goes home because…fuck the wilderness. Santa says his parents have been gone “months” looking for him. Either Rudolph grew hella fast or it took them a while to really start looking for him. I’m guessing option B on this one. So now Rudy has to go searching for the searchers.
(You best go find those damn troublemaking women and give them a taste of the back of your hoof.)
And of course he finds them in the first place he looks. The Bumble’s house. Why look there? Rudy says he “knew just where to look”. Why? Cuz women always find trouble? Wtf? Bumble’s got Sharon in his fluffy, giant fist. Yay! Eat her!
Cornie’s here! The Bumble gets knocked out by Cornie dropping a rock on his head. Haha, they put x’s on the eyes when he’s knocked out. He’s not out for long! Bumble’s up! Look out! He is pissed! Oh wait. His teeth are gone. Every single one of those giant pointy teeth. It took Hermie like literally 12 seconds to remove all his teeth. Damn, that’s impressive. Hey! Why is Cornie pushing Bumble over the edge? Just to be an asshole? Really? Well, that was mean. But Bumble took Cornie with him, so that oughta learn him.
Now Rudolph’s gotta get those useless women back to Christmas Town. Where did he learn that stone age crap? Wandering around in the wilderness and becoming a man, I guess. They’re back in town just as everyone’s settling down for the end of this saga. Cornie’s back with his sled full of drugs and dogs. Hi, St. Corn! Bumble’s a pet now so I guess they worked something out.
(Don’t make me come up there!)
It’s obvious the writers are getting tired (so am I) and are just trying to wrap this shit up. Elves are singing Holly Jolly Christmas! You know the one..”I don’t know if there’ll be snow, so have a cup of beer”…and then it goes “Somebody waits for you, kick her once for me!” That song. The elves are now partying. Santa’s getting ready to head out. Santa’s fat in like mere minutes. Half hour tops. Score one for the Mrs. That can’t be healthy. Maybe Mrs. Claus needs to deal with her insecurity issues. You can’t keep him fat so he won’t stray, honey. It just won’t work.
(It’s that biscuit down your throat or my foot up your ass, boy.)
Anyway, off they go. I think Rudolph farted on all the jerks who were mean to him and are now behind him in the sleigh. Haha, that’s funny. Wait a minute…I just thought of something. If Rudolph can’t control his glow (which i’m sure he would have earlier in the show if he could) how can he assure Santa a safe ride? His light could go out at any moment!
(Ummm, Rudolph? One quick question…)
Or maybe he learned to control it during his lion king puberty. I don’t know. That part could’ve used a montage, come to think of it.
Oh God. It’s still not over?! Santa has to get the stupid misfit toys. Santa usually comes in the chimney and puts toys under the tree, but the misfits have to jump out of the sleigh with umbrellas. Sucks to be them.
The end. Finally. But I still have so many unanswered questions. Did Santa get the weight back off and if so, how? Did Rudy and Felice get together? Did Rudolph and Donner fix their tenuous relationship? Were the misfits accepted at their new homes? Do new misfits go to the island? How much kibble does Cornie feed the Bumble? Do his teeth ever grow back and he attacks Cornie and rips out his throat for pulling his old teeth and pushing him in that ice crevice? What did St. Corn get for Christmas? Oh well, maybe they’ll answer all that next year.
**In memory of my precious Buttons. The best Christmas gift I ever received.