Tag Archives: men

Randomness in my brain…

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I get tons of messages on this blog (ok, well, it was like 3 messages. but you know. whatever… shut up.) from people telling me I’m funny and they enjoy my wit and wisdom. They beg for more blogs. More and more and more blogs! I haven’t been able to find a subject to write on recently. I’ve been very distracted by stuff like tv, men, the internet, Words with Friends, burritos and so on and so forth. I actually meant to write this blog like weeks ago but I got totally sidetracked by some shiny stuff.

(Must write blog toni…ooooOOOOOoooo, sparkly!)

Long story longer, I’m just going to write some random thoughts and hope they’re funny.

Bills

I hate paying my bills. I don’t know why companies get their panties all in a bunch if I don’t pay them on time. Seriously, Verizon? Out of all of the millions of customers you have, my measly $150 is going to make or break you if you don’t get it by the 17th? That’s a damn lie! And if it’s not a damn lie, you really need to learn to budget yourself better. Anyway, I always pay you eventually, so why are you acting like just because I’m a little behind, I’m never, ever going to pay my bill again. Look Drama Queen, you need to chillax. This needy thing is very unattractive.

(Here you go, Mien Fuhrer. Better late than pregnant.)

News

Now onto the news. The news is boring. Really, really boring. I almost never watch it. I figure if it’s super important, I’ll see it on TMZ or my mom will tell me about it. Is it too much to ask that I get to learn about what’s going on in the world through, say, hot shirtless guys or interpretive dance? I would care a hell of a lot more about the national deficit if that chick on the Today show rapped it to me. (Her name is Suzy something…what kind of financial guru is named “Suzy”?) Boss rhymes and a sick beat would definitely keep my attention. I know grown ups are supposed to be able to sit still for a half hour and listen, comprehend and care about this stuff but I just can’t. Thank God I have a DVR full of Simpsons and King of the Hill to keep me entertained in the morning.

(Mmmmm, Serbian refugees…now I get it.)

Work

I also don’t get why I have to “behave” at work. It’s bad enough I have to go to this place for 8-9 hours a day. Yes, I know. We all have to work. If I don’t work, I don’t have money. If I don’t have money, I can’t buy vodka. And if I don’t have vodka, I’ll never get my hands steady enough to write that fucking check to Verizon! Anyhoo, when I’m at work, I’m expected to do things like be nice, be polite, don’t look at porn on the internet, don’t curse like a sailor, don’t hit stupid people, don’t steal office supplies and so forth. This can make for very long and boring days. I can understand “be nice and polite” and maybe even “look at porn on your own time” policies but really, no cussing? How can I properly convey my rage towards the stupid people I’m not supposed to hit without using colorful language? They won’t know they’re stupid unless I yell it at them and include descriptive adjectives like the f-word. And are you really going to use all those office supplies? Surely a few boxes of paperclips and a couple of laptops wouldn’t be missed.

(Burn “Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits” for Mom’s birthday…check.)

Adult Situations

When I hear some sad woman say, “Chocolate is better than sex.” my immediate response is, “Then you must be doing sex wrong.” Or when I see these commercials for the sex lotions to help the lady achieve whatever fireworks and rocket ships and submarine antics she requires. What the hell is up with that?! Seriously, ladies. If you need this stuff, you obviously have a lazy man. DO NOT encourage his laziness or lack of skill by using these things. Take that money and buy him a book or a class or something to teach him how to do it right. Maybe I’m weird because I think that way but in my mind, I feel like we don’t require a lot of you guys other than carrying heavy stuff, killing bugs and telling us these jeans don’t make our butts look big. Man up and learn how to do the bed stuff properly. That is all.

(Sexy times? Really. Ummm, okayyy.)

Immaturity

I have yet to understand why I have to be this adult person. My brain is pretty much stuck somewhere between the ages of 15 and 19. I still laugh at stuff that most grown up people don’t think is funny. Whenever I have to call L.A. Superior Court for work, I can barely ask for Department 69 without giggling. I’m actually kind smiling now just typing it. Hee-hee, Department 69. I also think that any and all videos/pictures of guys getting hit, kicked, punched, slapped, head butted or in any way injured in their testicles is freaking hilarious! I stick my tongue out at people. I can’t chew gum in front of my mom because apparently, I don’t know how to “chew it like a lady.” (That means don’t pop, snap, crack, blow bubbles or make any other sort of noise with said piece of gum.) I carry a Smurfette lunch box. I have colored paper clips at my desk along with colored pens and pictures of puppies and kittens in my cubicle. I hate vegetables and cannot even pretend that jicama is “just the same as potato chips”. It is so NOT. I also have an appalling love of pop music. I’ll say it-I love Britney Spears! I know all her songs by heart as well as the choreography of “Oops, I Did it Again”. Yes. I do. Good music to me requires the ability to be sung loudly in the car but the lyrics don’t really need to have any deeper meaning than “ooo baby”, “I want you/You want me” or “I love you and/or dancing”. I still call my sister names. I’ll also moon and/or flash her on Skype because that is also still so damn funny to me. Haha-boobs.

(Pictured: Stupid Melanie Garbage Face)

Girly Girl

I love being a girl. It must really suck to be a guy. No make up. No purses. NO SHOES! I would literally kill for any of these things. I love everything that is brightly colored, fluffy, sparkly, soft, lacey and cute. I hate bugs. I despise them. I hate smelly things. I hate sports. But I love men. I yearn for the man who will tell me I’m pretty. That I’m soft. That I smell good. Feminism can kiss my ass. I want a guy to hold the door for me. To buy me presents. To sing me a song. To hold my hand. To remember a stupid thing like how much I like peanut butter and chocolate anything. I am a complete sucker for puppies, kittens, bunnies, rainbows, unicorns, dolphins and flowers. Note to the men out there: you’ll get a lot further with flattery and flowers than anything, ever. And that includes the aforementioned sex ointment.

(ahhh. ah. oh. ah…so pretty…must. hug. flowers…)

Soooo long story short. I’m a girl. And I freakin’ love it!

Well, that’s all I have to say to my tens of fans for now. I so wish I could write about my day job. Now that would be fun! But since I am so attached to my paycheck, I’ll leave it alone for awhile. I also think it would be fun to do some sort of Christa TV Show Round Up. Except there’s not a lot of good tv on now. Then again, any kind of round up is super fun. I better go. It’s sooo hot here in L.A. so I really feel the need for some cool mint Oreos…with sparkles on top! Til next time…

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What I Think Guys Think

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This actually could be a very short blog entry. What are men thinking? Nothing. That about covers it. Thanks for stopping by!

But that’s mean. Men are more complicated than that. Well, some of them are. Just not a lot of them or for a long period of time. Now before some of you sensitive types get your feathers all ruffled, let me say I know some men have thoughts and feelings. But from my experiences, observations and experiments, the vast majority of them don’t. We all know I write for comedic effect, so don’t get all butt hurt because I called your manly ass out. You’re a dude. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off.

Now, I love men. And I have learned to accept them for what they are and we get along much better this way. The way I see it, guys’ brains revolve around four basic categories of thought (1) Eating, (2) Humping, (3) Free Time Between Eating and Humping and (4) Miscellaneous. Let’s get started on our short journey through the male psyche.

Eating

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s true. I used to make my ex-husband “yellow dinner”. It was his favorite. Yellow dinner consisted of shake-n-bake chicken tenders that were fried with honey mustard sauce on the side, buttered corn, macaroni and cheese and banana pudding for dessert.

(With a coronary infarction for a bedtime snack)

Anything breaded, fried, buttered and/or covered in cheese was all he needed. And to have all of that on one plate? Yes, ma’am! But it didn’t really matter what it was, if he could eat it, he was happy. If you’re not a culinary whiz like myself and yellow dinner seems out of your skill set, don’t worry. If you put it on a plate, or a bowl, or even hand it to him in a bag, he will love you for it. Guys do not eat for health or socializing like women do. I’ve seen men who were so intent on snacking while watching tv, they didn’t even realize I dropped some loose change in the chips bowl and they ate my parking meter money without even noticing. So don’t ask a man what he wants to eat. Because when he says “I don’t care”, he really means it. Whatever you pick will be fine. If you want steak, get steak. He will eat what you put in front of him. (And yes, beer does count as food.)

Humping

This is such a basic thing for guys. Their inner cave man tells them all the time, “You must spread your seed and continue this obviously under populated species. The world needs more of YOU! Do it for everyone! Do it with everyone! Do it now!” Ladies, don’t take it personally. It’s just how Mother Nature made them. (On a bet with Father Time over what he could do to us.) You think they only want super models and stuff. That is a mistake. I’ll tell you a secret an ex-boyfriend told me once. All men check out all women in one fashion or another, even if for just a split second. From ages 16-86, a small corner of their brain looks her over and wonders, “hmmm, if I was only 40 years older or she was 30 years younger…” And they want to be wanted back. So they look. But looking isn’t doing. And knowing this, women need to stop worrying over how they look. Especially in the sack. No more inhibitions and self-image issues. If you are kind enough to give a man some naked time, he is grateful. He is happy. He is thrilled! He is not checking out that zit on your chin, your sweat stank or the little roll of back fat you’re trying so hard to conceal. He’s not noticing a lot more than, “Hey! Look at me go!” He’s finally getting some and you are the amazing angel who is giving it to him. Don’t read any more into it than that. Because he’s not.

(Thank you Lord for these boobs I am about to receive.)

Free Time Between Eating and Humping

Men have to find something to do to fill up the time between eating and humping. Or thinking about humping (which is about as far as some of them get). Some of that time is filled with work. But I think men only work so they can get money to buy food, beer and pornography so as to fill their two main objectives in life. The rest of the time is filled with their hobby. Some guys like sports. They get to yell and be competitive and live and laugh and fight and love! A modern day in the life of their club-wielding, prehistoric brethren. They indulge in many snacks and get to watch cheerleaders jumping in the game and models during commercials selling said snacks. Bringing us back toooooo…eating and humping.

(Isn’t the circle of life beautiful?)

Some guys don’t like sports though. They like stuff like video games and Star Wars. Same basic principal though. They yell, compete, fight, bond, etc. But instead of in a sports game, it’s in space. Or an enchanted forest of some sort. And their chicks have fairy wings or three boobies. You getting the picture? And other guys like home improvement stuff. Sawing, building, mowing, installing, fixing cars. They drink lots of beer because hey, you can’t get a good perspective on roof repairs from the top of a ladder without a good buzz. And if you fix stuff, it will look nice. And if it looks nice, women will like it. And if women like it, they might like you. And if a woman likes you, you have a much better chance of touching her goodies without getting arrested.

(But I got the toilet to stop making that sound that scares her cat, dammit!)

Miscellaneous

This is where guys put the rest of their thoughts. Thoughts about calling his mom or why you’re crying or if he really could karate chop through 5 wooden planks.

(Jackie Chan’s got nothing on this stud muffin.)

Most of the thoughts in this area are fleeting and don’t really take root in the man’s brain. They are jellyfish thoughts. They float around and if he grabs them, they will sting him and then he will have to pee on his own brain. Don’t ask me to explain the logic. I’m just a girl. There are many thoughts in here but they don’t tend to hang around long. Where’s the remote? Should I pet the dog? Why is that random kid who looks like me blocking the tv? Did I just eat a dime out of the chip bowl?

So, lovely ladies of the world, now you know. Don’t ever ask a man, “What are you thinking?” Because if he says (a) eating and/or (b) humping, you’ll get mad and won’t fix dinner and won’t let him sleep with you. And if he says he’s thinking about mowing the lawn on Planet Three Boob with Kobe (which is what he really is thinking about), you won’t believe him and you’ll keep asking until he says a random thought like “Your sister’s hot” or “I have to poop now.” which will just get you madder. So when a woman asks, “What are you thinking about?” It’s easier for them just to say, “Nothing.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!