The Most Irritating People on the Planet

Standard

I have some great friends and a wonderful family. I work in a law office with pretty nice people. But at the same time, there are tons of assholes in the world. Seriously, there are people out there that as soon as I hear their voice, my hand is clenching into a fist so I can punch them in the throat. Some of them I know personally and some I’m just blessed to cross paths with in society. Let’s take a gander at these very special individuals.

The Corrector

This is the person who thinks you are too dumb to dress yourself in the morning, much less get through your day without their infinite expertise. You don’t ask for their opinions or direction, you just get it. Like a backseat driver who follows you around all day. “I wouldn’t wash my hands like that. Scrub in circles. Not back and forth.” or “You’ll slit your gut open if you use your scissors that way.” or “You should staple on top. Not on the side.” or “Here let me show you how wipe your ass the right way. You’re going to get skid marks.” Dude! Back off. I did not live to the ripe old age of thirty-mumble without learning how to use scissors and wipe my ass! I got this. Just because I don’t do something your way, doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong. And even if I am, unless you are my mother, it’s not your job to correct me. Let me stab myself a couple of times. I’ll learn.

(Hold on. I gotta get the extra cake crumbs off this thing.)

The I’ve Had Every Illness on God’s Green Earth and I’ve Had it Worse Than Everyone Guy

You know this guy. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong with you or anyone else on the planet. He’s had it. Probably twice. And he’s had it worse. You sadly say, “My friend has breast cancer.” He says, “Yeah, I had that. In both breasts. They had to operate 4 times. It took me 19 months to fully recover. I also had arthritis in my spine, juvenile diabetes, 2 hysterical pregnancies and hemorrhoids. But I’m ok now. Except for my sinus infection and the Bell’s palsy. And I’ve still got the hemorrhoids.” You’ve got to be freaking kidding me! And he’s lived through this? Someone needs to take some of his super high immunity blood, spin the shit out of it in some science machine and sell it to the rest of us. Then of course, he could go on complaining about the blood loss and how it made him weak and he fell down and got a concussion and a face infection from falling on the dirty floor. God, I hate this guy.

 (Great. Now I have Christa’s foot up my ass, too!)

The Lazy Ass

We’re all lazy sometimes. But this is the person who is constantly lazy and thinks it’s the job of the rest of us to pick up after him. He leaves shopping carts in the middle of a parking space because it’s just too much effort to walk the damn thing 20 steps to the cart corral. He parks over the line because it would take too much of his precious time to straighten up his pitiful park job. He will leave trash on the table when there is a trash can right under the table he is trashing! OMG. Were you raised in a barn? Throw out your damn trash!  This is the same friend who comes to your house repeatedly to partake of your edibles and drinkables and then leave empty cups on the couch. He knows full well where the trash can is. He’s only been to your house 537 times before. And he never replaces toilet paper either. Or ice. Or whatever the hell else he uses the last of. This happens at all kinds of places. And it’s fucking annoying. Your hands did not fall off, man. Your momma doesn’t work here. What are you saving all that energy for? Fighting me off when I kick your ass for leaving ¼ cup of coffee in the pot?

(Meh. Somebody will call 911. I gotta find my pants.)

 

The Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny but He’s Not

This guy will spend ten minutes telling you a very long and unfunny “joke” and then will be laughing at himself so hard he doesn’t realize no one else is laughing. Because he’s not funny. Now you may say “Um, Christa. You think you’re hilarious and, well, (trail off)…” But (a) I really am hilarious. and (b) This is my blog so I can do what I want. This guy makes stupid and obvious observations and bad imitations of real funny people. “Dude! Check out my Seinfeld. What’s the deal…with bananas?” Ugh. Just die already. He’s the guy who says, every time you have a stomach ache, “Ooooo, morning sickness. Someone’s knocked up.” No, asswipe, I’m just hung over. Or if you’re out of work sick, “How was Disneyland, faker? Heh-heh.” Look jerk, you’re not funny. I was out for a doctor’s appointment for my very painful ovarian cysts. Ask Larry from my previous entry. He’s knows all about it since he’s had them himself since he was 5.

(My mom says I’m cool.)

The Turtle

This person is the slowest human being on earth and she is always right in front of you. Whether you’re walking, driving, riding a bike or trying to swim to China, this bitch is in the way. She apparently has eyes in the back of her head and will be able to move to counter attack any idea you had of going around her. And if you’re super lucky, she and 3 of her turtle friends will be walking abreast so you can’t get past all of them. She’ll change lanes in front of you six times just to make sure you’re late. She’s the same idiot who has to count out exact change in pennies that she has to dig out of the bottom of her ginormous purse when you’re in a rush at the store holding an ice cold mini-keg and two boxes of popsicles and you are literally freezing your nipples off. (That was a long sentence.) For the love of God Methuselah’s mother, just give the cashier another damn dollar! Then she’ll give you change and you’ll have more pennies to annoy someone else with later. Just freaking get on with it! You’re 132 years old and have 20 minutes left to live and you want to spend it counting pennies?! And you know if you smack her in the back of the head, she’ll drop all those pennies and start over.

(Turtle: 56…57…57…wait, did I say 57 twice? I have to start over. Me: DAMMIT!)

Now of course, there are tons more annoying people I could talk about. 40 year old couples who all but dry hump each other in public, strangers who think they have a right to touch you, people who eat off your plate/bowl/snack without asking, people who don’t think I’m funny-the list goes on and on. But this is a good start. Who irritates the hell out of you? Leave a comment below.

Advertisements

7 responses »

  1. People who smoke around children. People who use NASTY language around children. People who never heard of the word RESPECT. People who force me to invoke Aretha Franklin!!

  2. I’m married to the “Lazy Ass”! Seriously, the house would catch on fire and he would step over it so he could still watch the TV!!!

  3. I’m with you on this honey. i also hate the “I pretend your opinion matters to me but i’m gonna do what I want anyway” person.
    My step dad is that person. drives my mom nuts and she vents and vents and so there for it drives me crazy.

  4. Re-namers: How about the people who shorten your name or just call you something totally wrong. For example, when I meet people at work or at a store and introduce myself as Kimberly and they immediately say “nice to meet you Kim”. It puts me into a rage. Why not just call me Bob? This doesn’t just happen to me but when I drop off my son at daycare, there are a few parents who have had to be corrected when I have heard them call Richard “Rich” or “Richie”. That is NOT his name and until he is old enough to decide what he wants to be called, don’t you dare decide for him! How about I call your kid buck tooth Molly? Would you like that? Okay then! And the worse part about it is their kids do the exact same thing. They are raising re-namers !

  5. So, in college I went on a Subway binge. I had subway ALOT and the manager there would work the register sometimes. EVERY single time I went there and he was working the register he would say before he even looked at me.. what kind of sandwhich did you have today sir? I am tall.. yes and I wear sweatshirts.. yes but ITS COLORADO and COLD AS SHIT and the dude called me sir on 5 separate occations and then would be like sorry.. ma’am. I was so000 close to being like.. bro, I am a girl! I regret never saying that to him. Anyways, that is the kind of person I hate. Because since I have moved, it has happened to me one time. So I know there are more out there like him
    Glad I could finally get this off my chest 🙂 LOVE YOUR BLOGS!

  6. Pingback: Dear Idiot (Part Deux) | Woomer Has It!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s