I was married for 5 years and I’ve been divorced for 10. So I think I’m far enough removed from the situation to be able to make fun of it in a humorous and slightly bitter way. You may (or may not) be thinking, “Why would you eschew the sacred vows that you made before the Almighty and the one pastor in town who didn’t fondle young boys?” Well, it’s like this. I…
was married to this.
And he cheated on me with this.
Ergo, I divorced his lame ass. Not for cheating on me. But for not cheating with someone hotter than me.
Reason #6: No Pressure!
It is so awesome that I am no longer pressured to get married or have babies. My marriage, thankfully, yielded no progeny. God has a sense of humor but He’s not mean. So if crazy old Aunt Jo or nosy co-worker, Tammy, asks “Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married?” or “Why haven’t you spurted new life through your loins?” My sister or another co-worker will answer in a loud stage whisper, “She’s divorced!” This will elicit a sad smile and nod of sympathy that completely gets me off the hook for explaining why I have no interest in having a whining, crying, money sucking, snot-nosed leech in my life. Or why I don’t want kids.
Reason #5: The Cat
I got the cat. You may not have a cat. But there is something that every man loves more than life that you can take away with you when you leave. Mine was the cat.
The year before we were married, my ex gave me a kitten on Christmas eve as an expression of his love for my boobs. When we split, I took nothing with me but my clothes and the cat. He said, “But don’t you want (insert meaningless object here)?” And in my best grandma guilt trip voice, I’d say, “No. We bought that (dish, towel, tv, porn). There is no more we. You keep it. It means nothing to me now.” Good stuff, huh? Yeah. Except the cat. I adore my cat. So does he. He was like, “But I love her and I bought her.” Yes, you bought her for me and she hates you now. The only person she ever bit in her life was your whore when you brought her to the house when I was out of town and she clawed holes in your air mattress when I kicked your sorry ass out of our bed and made you sleep in the hall. So not only does she come with me, but bitch gets fresh shrimp and lobster the rest of her days!
Reason #4: Ex-Husband Jokes
Ex-husband jokes are gold! I have a friend who calls her ex-husband “needle dick the bug fucker.”
Everybody laughed. Because that’s some funny shit right there. I could go on for hours about my ex. I wish I could be nice but I’d rather entertain friends and strangers talking mad smack about my Dungeons and Dragons loving, Star Trek watching, Oedipus complex having, he thinks doggy-style is super naughty ex-husband instead!
Reason #3: Money
Holy shit! I have money! My ex was a high maintenance babe. Comics, Everquest, Pinkie & the Brain tees and Magick cards don’t come cheap. I remember an argument over the action figure collection that was purportedly worth thousands of dollars. Apparently, one still-in-the-package wookie was worth $300. Really? Then sell the damn thing and we can use the money to pay the electric company and maybe they’ll give us the cat back.
But, “NoooOOOooo! I can’t sell it. It’s rare!” Then you know what? It’s worth NOTHING! Since my divorce, I have money for everything I want-bills, clothes, liquor, shoes, porn and food. I have money to take care of me, which leads to the super awesome…
Reason #2: Not Being a Wife
I was a good wife. I cooked, cleaned, worked and gave 3 blow jobs a week. And I did it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. No more, baby! I work for me. I clean what I dirty. If I want to eat Fruity Pebbles for dinner and drink vodka for breakfast, I will. And if I give a b.j. it’s because (a) someone bought me an expensive steak dinner and (b) I wanted to.
I can even do laundry when and if I want. Dirty undies? No probs. I don’t have to do laundry. I can buy new ones! (See above entry re: money) And speaking of undies, the very, very best part of being divorced is…
Reason #1: SEX
Divorced sex is the best. There is no thought of “Could I marry him?” Or “He might be a good dad.” NO! It’s about getting some of that sweet, hot, freaky, monkey love. 23 positions in a one night stand. Do I love him? No. Do I like him? Who cares. Do I know his last name? Unimportant. As long as I’m getting some. I don’t have to wait for the presidential address to cut into the Star Trek Voyager marathon so I can get laid. Right after my divorce, my main goal was to cut a swath through town of as many dicks as possible just because I could. The 19 year old grocery bagger who just shaved for the first time yesterday-he gets this sweet action. As does random club guy, the mechanic, the cable guy, his boss, the vet and his best friend. The point is, I will give it to everyone EXCEPT HIM! So climb back on your mommy doppelganger, because I’m having the time of my life doing things you can’t even imagine with whoever I want. Life is good.
My mom always said, “It’s not about looks or money. Go for personality. Look at the man inside.” Well, sorry Mom. That ain’t gonna happen. If I get ever get married again (which is highly doubtful) it will be to this guy
Or this guy.
God bless the institution of divorce!